Mark and I have been packing machines this past week with our season in Atlanta quickly coming to a close. As I pull things down from the walls and stuff them to the brim into boxes, I find myself wondering what in the world is happening. On one hand, I know in that deep place that this is what’s next. But such knowledge doesn’t keep my tears from falling or questions from coming.
In this waiting place, I can easily spin. I look around at everything that must be put somewhere and am anxious to just get it done, thinking if I do it all then somehow the overwhelming emotions that come with this transition will dissolve. But in reality, all the boxes packed in the world will not displace the tension I feel.
We’ve felt the nudge of transition for a while, knowing that the time for a change was approaching. We weren’t necessarily attached to a specific plan of where we wanted to go. Instead we had a 5-card hand of options, each with its picture of what life could be. They were all appealing in their own way.
But this one, we never saw it coming.
I’ve vacillated between excitement and terror over the move. When we first found out, I couldn’t wait to FaceTime one of my best friends and tell her we were moving a mere 45 minutes away. Her face was total shock. “I didn’t even know Orlando was an option!” she exclaimed.
“Me neither!” I laughed back. That was one of my favorite moments.
But then there’s the side of this that means saying goodbye to a whole life here. Leaving friendships I have done life with for a decade. People who are as close as family. Relationships I never imagined I would hug goodbye and physically move away from.
My smattering of emotions is exhausting, most of all for me.
So in the spinning, swirling, I-feel-totally-out-of-control place, I keep doing what I know best. I quiet myself. Put on music. Close my eyes. And soak in God’s presence. I let his words be an anchor for my soul and pour fresh life over my weary bones. His whisper blows away my anxiety and calms my craziness. His promises for what awaits ignite me. His presence grounds me.
In the stillness, I listen. And the words remind me again: sometimes, we simply go.
God tells his people at Mount Sinai words I can’t shake. Time and again these last few years these words have charged me to move forward in all kinds of situations that have unfolded. There, at that place where so much life happened for Israel, covenant was made and broken, mess and promise happening together, God tells them that they have stayed there long enough. It is time to get going and move ahead.
Sometimes, we must advance without the plan, guarantee, or comfort as companions. We go despite uncertainties. And declare by our movement that familiarity and safety do not set the boundary lines for our lives.
Here’s the thing. We may get lost. We may even fail. But we still go because we know we will hear a voice, his voice. And that alone makes it worth it. We move forward not because of what will happen for us, but because of who we will encounter. Even when we are terrified or stretched beyond what we can handle, we go so we will find him.
And that’s enough.
As my head spins and my heart overflows with emotion, I remind myself again that we’re going because of the potential that we will find something real in this next season. The counterfeit is not worth the cost, but the real thing – the real God – he is worth everything. To find him is worth laying down our control, our familiarity, our need to sculpt our own life and live by our own plans.
Sometimes we look at what is being asked and say yes because it means one more season of trusting and believing and waiting and hoping. And there, he is always found.
Love you guys! I know the transition can be hard, so I am praying for you. I’m excited at the same time. You’ll be a mere 30-45 minutes from me too! Let me know if you need anything and I’m there.
Praying for you guys! Love you three dearly! Xoxo
Perfect words for me to hear today. Love your honesty and I am encouraged by your willingness to step out in faith.
geeze. I was in my office when I read this and now I can’t stop crying. You have no idea how much I’m going to miss you three…
Moving will cause a lot of emotions to come to the surface. Sadness of having to say goodbye to friends who have meant so much in your life. Exhaustion with all the things that need to be accomplished just to get ready for the move. Excitement for what God has planned in this next season of your life. Most of all more love for God knowing He is in complete control and only has what is best for you in His mind. Keep leaning on Him when doubts arise and you feel overwhelmed. He is always there to guide you. Thanks for being a great daughter – in – law. Love, MOM
all the prayers as you make this new move! love and miss you people!
Love your writing Caroline
Thank you Natasha!