Let’s be honest. For a lot of us life isn’t playing out the way thought it would.

Consider what you pictured life to look like when you were xx years old and most likely it is nothing as you imagined (and definitely for the better on many counts).

So you find yourself, like most of us, living in the tension of dreams unmet and hopes still delayed.

And in that place it can be tempting to swing one of two ways. The first is to decide you are powerless to change anything so you may as well ride life out as a passive pawn. You don’t do much pushing or wrestling, but a lot of letting things be and waiting for change to come when, how, and if it will.

Or you determine you will do everything possible to fix yourself out of the tension, essentially trying to force the intersection of your reality with dreams and desires. You may strive or hustle as hard as possible to change whatever hurts most right now in an effort to eject yourself out of pain or disappointment. Or you may abruptly change everything — job, location, and community — in hopes that a self-induced transition will bring breakthrough with it.

But there’s another choice available. To engage with our frustration, disappointment, or dissatisfaction with life as it is right now. To leverage it as a means to grow our character and become who we are created to be in the middle of the process.

Because the answer is not merely to disregard today or do all we can to fix our way out of it. But instead to be changed in the midst of it. To live in the tension of longings unrealized. To stay awake and alive where callings and dreams haven’t yet met reality. And there to move from needing to fix frustrations and disappointments to learning from them.

Because what isn’t is one of the most powerful teachers for us to grow and become right where we are.

And if we decide to remain in the tension of what is yet to be, there are 3 choices we can make:

1. To make peace with life as it is.

It’s a good practice for us to come to an honest (and frequent) place of making peace with today, especially when it is not everything we want it to be. A habit of gratitude mandates we look at what is before us, accept that it is not all we wish or want, and still receive it for what it is. I’m pretty convinced this is integral to maturity. Because to a certain extent, what frustrates us today is something we must simply get over by remaining thankful for what is — especially when it is not everything we desire it to be.

2. To realign ourselves.

When we take time to consider what is most dissatisfying, it uncovers areas of fear, control, or where we’re off course. So we must dig deeper into why we are so frustrated with where we find ourselves.

Are we anxious to move ahead because we are afraid we will be forgotten, overlooked, or bypassed?

Are we unwilling to allow God to unfold his process in his timing because we are determined to have things look a specific way?

Is God’s leading or nudging being overshadowed by what we (or others) think we should give our time, talents, or attention to?

Taking time to sit in the reality of what is and ask ourselves pointed questions reveals where we need to realign ourselves.

3. To reignite with fresh conviction to become right where we are. When stewarded well, the tension can fuel us with passion again. Because we can resolve that even still it is worth it for us to stay and believe that here God will move. We change and become when we refuse to allow frustrations to detract us from faithfully stewarding today or from believing for what God will do ahead. Pressure causes us to grow. Tension forces us to strengthen. So frustration can refocus and reignite us to give ourselves to what matters most.

The ultimate choice we can make is to decide that no matter when, how, or if we see those dreams come to be in our lives, we keep engaging. We keep believing and growing right where we are. Because the possibility for what God can do in and through us is worth the present tension, and it requires us to live well what is today.

Right here and right now is where we can tap into a faith that is not determined by what we see with our eyes or how we feel in the moment, but by God who is with us in all of it.

Well, after 18 months I am back.

I never intended to take such a long hiatus but then, as you know, life happens. Demands pile up. And so many memories are being lived out that it can be tricky to stop and actually write about them.

Last year started out with a resounding word of breakthrough for our family. God was so clear in this, nailing it home for me 3 times in those first 11 days of 2017. But breakthrough is funny because in theory it carries loads of excitement and possibility, but in actuality it means the entrance of unexpected twists, turns, and transitions to nicely laid plans. We shouldn’t be too surprised when upheaval becomes the passageway to breakthrough.

And so came one significant happening after another last year, to the point that I am amazed at how much our circumstances have changed since I last wrote. It’s probably the amount of transition we lived mixed with starting a fresh new year and turning a year older (34 today!) that make me ready to write and create again. Fresh seasons do that for me.

So in an effort to dust off this blog, let’s play a game of catch-up with more writings to come in much less time than the previous one found here.

The biggest news of last year is that our Caden Asher came into this world late November (and quickly, might I add). We are totally in love with his unique mixture of chill and spunk. I remember so clearly on my birthday a year ago looking at Eloise and having this overwhelming sense that everything she adds is life and goodness. All I could see in her was a world-changer and it was in that moment that I became ready to grow our family, to add more life and value to the world around. The transition has been wild and full of all kinds of challenges (more thoughts coming soon), but my mama heart is unbelievably thankful for these two littles.

Another big thing that happened was that I officially graduated from seminary with my Masters in Divinity. It’s a fancy name for what was way more about the journey than that piece of paper at the end. But I have to say, when I held that diploma in my hands in May (which as you can see from the photo was ginormous), it felt amazing. Not because I am now qualified for something special, but because I completed something that was way more difficult than I ever imagined.

Most of our 5 years of marriage I’ve spent in school. In fact it was only 2.5 months in that I signed up for two seminary classes on a whim. By the time I questioned my choice and wondered if I should quit, I was committed. And one thing about me is that, even if it may kill me in the process, I rarely quit when I have purposed to see something through.

As I waited for my name to be called 4.5 years later, I felt like I could collapse, burst into tears, or fall asleep. Thankfully I made it across the stage with my diploma in hand, so clearly sensing the overwhelming pleasure of God. Because really, this crazy season of school was all about partnership with him.

Other exciting things that have happened?

Well, we packed up our life in Orlando, I said goodbye to an unbelievable community of moms who I had done life with day-in and day-out, and we moved back to Atlanta. It’s hard to put into words all the reasons why because ultimately it was God’s whisper we heard above all the practicalities, to-dos, and common sense of the matter. We sensed his leading, so we followed.

And finally, one exciting creative project for me is that I wrote my first book. It’s been a dream of mine for a decade and this summer I actually put those words down on paper. I clearly sensed as I entered my second trimester last summer that it was going to happen then, or it’d be a long time before I’d find space and time again. I just knew it was my season. And little by little it took shape to a completed rough draft, though it’s definitely still in process.

One reason I wanted to share about my book is because it’s my goal to get it released this year in tangible form. I want to hold it. I want others to hold it. And I want to contribute an offering of hope and promise for those stuck in the middle of life’s waiting. So I’d say this is my commitment made public that this will happen, because sometimes the best way to keep moving forward in a dream is to tell others exactly what that dream is.

But the other reason I share is because I’m guessing you, like me, may have come into this year with some half-finished or barely-started dreams from 2017. And in case you think you need to start afresh on everything, instead you can take those things, as imperfect or incomplete as you may deem them to be, and keep journeying with them. I think some of the boldest resolutions are the ones where we purpose to keep going with that dream, to keep believing for it and working towards it and holding it closely because we’re not willing to give up on ourselves.

I’m guessing that’s probably enough for your Thursday, but I’ll be back soon and I can’t wait to share more.

Expectations are funny because they’re rarely met. It’s pretty safe to say the more you’re expecting something to go a certain way the more you can prepare that it likely won’t. Because how we envision things rarely (ever?) happen as we think. So we must learn to laugh. Laughing is good. I’m doing a lot of laughing in mamahood.

Since my current life remains a crazy swirl of packing and goodbyeing (and schooling and mothering and all the other roles), I figured today I’d laugh about some unmet expectations. Because there are many and thinking back to my pregnancy season and the first few months of mamahood has been funny.

So here are three stories about things not going as expected.

First, below you will see the pretty picture of our pristine white crib. I took this photo just weeks before Eloise was born. While I had surrendered to the fact that I wouldn’t have an official nursery, I did have a crib! And I was one proud wifey the night Mark put that crib together. I watched with glowing pregnant-mama eyes dreaming about the day I’d bring our little babe home and place her into it. Just the next day I carefully picked out the sweet sheets to go on it, laid out those dreft-smelling swaddles, and snapped this photo.

The current reality is that Eloise is 4.5 months old and has yet to sleep in her crib once. In fact, as I write this her crib is upside down in a corner of our living room waiting to be dismantled by Mark once he gets over the fact that he will have to take apart the whole thing before she ever sleeps one night in it. Expectation of beautiful crib life straight off Pinterest definitely not met.

I also remember being so excited for newborn photos to be taken just after she was born, with all her wrinkles in full site and the falsity of a sleeping, peaceful baby beautifully framed forever. I imagined holding onto this photo as a keepsake for years to come, pulling it out to one day show Eloise of her little peaceful self captured in all its sweetness.

Real life told a different story. The day we were discharged from the hospital was the day the photographer came knocking at our door to take pictures. No one tells you that your room is a revolving door of doctors and nurses for the 48 hours you are in the hospital. Or that there is absolutely no consoling a hungry baby. Or that in your exhaustion you will likely have no idea who is before you, why they are there, or what they even want from you. But there the woman was, camera in hand ready to snap some pics. But there was also a hungry baby and deliriously tired parents. And that combo made for pictures like none other.

Here you have it, our very first newborn photo forever captured.

And then there was the fact that somehow I never considered my own recovery after having Eloise. I didn’t have complications with her birth, so I somehow thought I would instantly bounce back to normal life. I think in reality, I had no clue the level of ibuprofen I was being dished out every few hours at the hospital.

So we came home and the next morning the weather was beautiful and I was ready to get outside. I had been home from the hospital for about 24 hours and hadn’t taken any meds, so I popped 1 measly ibuprofen and told my mom and Mark that we should go for a walk. So we tucked Eloise in my wrap and headed off.

Within about 10 steps, I noticed my mom and Mark walking way faster than I was comfortable with. I asked them to slow it on down and we continued forward. I had in my mind that we would walk a nice leisurely 1 mile. Instead we went the half block of our condo complex (50 yards?) and headed home.

I didn’t leave the couch for another 3 days.

Happy Friday, friends. Next time I write, it’s from our new home in FLORIDA!