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Current Thoughts on Mamahood

February 9, 2016

As I write this today, I am tucked away in a booth in the back corner of Panera, all by my very self. No babe, no husband, just me, my green tea, and this little corner. This is rare and I am thankful for the quiet respite to write out a smattering of thoughts on mamahood today.

I wasn’t someone who grew up so readily anticipating the day I would become a mom. But I did always wonder what in the world it would be like to experience such depths of love packed into one tiny life who is part of me.

As my due date approached, I would get lost in my thoughts of holding this little one who I got jabs and kicks from all day and night. I wondered what she would look like, how it would be to take care of her, and what I would think as she reflected my good and my bad. Then, a few months ago, our little Eloise Haven came and changed our world forever.

Some of the best things that have happened in my life since having Eloise are the smallest and most hidden from other eyes. What brings me joy with her has nothing to do with the applause of the outside. My experiences don’t need validation or participation by others. This I find extremely freeing, probably because it hasn’t always been that way. But it is incredible to experience joy that is tangible in the simplicity of a moment, not dependent on anything external or additional.

I also find that I worry less about lots. I don’t fret over certain things that I used to because I honestly don’t want to give my time away to them. I am extra aware in this season that the time I do have is both precious and finite. So I find myself more intentionally choosing what I give my thoughts and hours to, steering away from time-suckers and toward what brings life and value. And realizing that the difference is a simple matter of my choice.

On a totally different note, I find myself utterly amazed how any person could lose as much hair off their head, and yet still have hair, as I am currently experiencing. The sheer quantity is unbelievable. I am unsure when this hair-purge will cease, though I am hopeful I won’t find myself with the level of fuzz atop my head currently being modeled by our sweet Eloise. But I realize only time will determine this one.


One daily ritual we’ve been doing since the beginning is looking at Eloise and telling her a few things about who she is. Since the world will try to tell her so much of who she is not, we’re intentionally speaking into her identity. Among other things, I tell her that she is brave, she is kind, she is strong, and she will see God’s kingdom come. I had this moment early on, though, when I found my words being a boomerang of both truth and challenge to me. As I told her who she was, I found those words channeling back to me as reminders of my own identity. But I also found them asking if I am being brave and if I am playing my role in God’s kingdom.

Out of all that has happened in our world being turned upside down, this one experience has realigned me most suddenly and drastically.

And so, today I would say mamahood has surprisingly empowered me to walk more as the person I know God has created me to be. I realize that the trails I blaze by my own bravery will propel my daughter farther into those depths of identity, intimacy, and wonder-filled adventure with God.

That is equal parts exciting and terrifying. But so freaking exhilarating.

Really, I am so thankful and so in over my head. It’s probably where I should pitch my tent more often.


Photo credit: Kim Daniels


How to Navigate the Unexpected (Part 2)

January 29, 2016

The sun isn’t up yet so it’s still pure darkness outside. What I love about this time of day is that though my eyes see darkness, I know that the breaking dawn is moments away. That fireball of a sun is about to peak its first breath of red over the edge and declare in its small yet bold way that a new day has arrived. Last year all I wanted to know was when that new day would come.

Some days Mark and I woke up and prayed like wild people who were confident that those seeds of ours would move mountains. We did our best to stay focused and hopeful, wondering if each day held our suddenly that would transition ourselves out of that season. Other days we didn’t talk much to God or each other. We just made it.

If you’re in a season like that, I know it’s not easy. Below are some more thoughts on how to navigate it though none of them say how to fix it. We want to be moved right out the season and sometimes we simply cannot be. We’re longing for the miraculous parting and instead feel we are merely wandering in the endless wilderness.

So how do we keep breathing and keep moving?

Get alone with God and be brutally honest. This may sound contrary to the final point in my previous post, but both are necessary. We need safe space with God where we can drop the religious stuff that makes us feel more presentable to him and allow ourselves to be honest about exactly how we feel. Days after Mark lost his job, I found myself in Nashville for my celebratory birthday weekend away. With journal in hand, I sat on the hotel bed and poured out my raw, tear-filled words on paper. This practice safeguards us from throwing our anger and disappointment onto those around us. God can handle our unfiltered truth.

Identify your pillars. Pinpoint the promises that speak to you with such conviction that you will cling tightly to them no matter how long the storm rages around you. For me, it is straight out of Psalm 27 – “I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” I will see. I will see. I repeated it over and over again throughout my days, reminding both myself and God. I still do.

Remember, this is a season.  A wise voice told this to me early on so I would know that this wouldn’t last forever. Mark would find another job. We would get settled in a new rhythm and it wouldn’t always be the mess it was for those months we waited. Some days, this is the best we can hold to. We may not always have the strength to hope for more or be confident of how things will turn out. On those days, reminding yourself that this is a season can help you get out of bed and keep moving forward with the day’s demands.

Take a deep breath and wait on God to bring forth life. Faith isn’t required to see what we have lost or recognize what could have been. What demands our faith is to believe for what will be despite our present circumstances. And this is the promise of God alive in our midst. That no matter how chaotic or dire situations may feel, God will bring life from within the upheaval. Oftentimes it is out of the mess and uncertainty that our breakthrough springs up. The promise of his resurrection power is that out of what we are convinced is dead and buried comes life.


Photo credit: Patrik Nygren


How to Navigate the Unexpected (Part 1)

January 27, 2016

Let’s imagine we’re having coffee this morning. I’m definitely drinking a latte, whole milk please. You have your drink of choice in hand and we’re sitting down in two chairs in the corner of some local joint.

You’re grappling with an unexpected circumstance in your life – because who isn’t? Maybe you’re disappointed because of what didn’t happen. Or angry at the reality of what did. Or feeling lost with no idea how to move forward from here. I just finished telling you my story from 2015 and you ask what I’ve learned to help you navigate through what’s pretty trying today.

Well, below are my thoughts. They’re not complete or perfect nor do they necessarily apply to your circumstance. But they’re what I would tell the Caroline of a year ago who felt hurt and angry and completely lost. If she sounds like a familiar friend to you, maybe you could use some of these words too.

So here’s what I’d say…

There’s an opportunity here to intentionally steward the unexpected. What I mean is that the season doesn’t have to be defined by chaos, confusion, and continued wallowing until a breakthrough comes. Instead, it carries the opportunity to take us to deeper dependency on God, community, and his promises. It could grow and shape us. But we have an active role in determining the outcome of the unexpected. Our small, daily choices matter.

Find who God is in it. Through whatever happened, God has invaded ordinary life and completely disturbed your plan. It happened and it’s okay. It will also happen again. The opportunity is for you to focus less on what happened and more on who is with you. The question is not if God is doing something. He is. Nor is the question necessarily what he is doing, because it may not be the time to understand. With the journey of faith being centered on knowing God, the best question to ask is, who he is revealing himself to be in the midst of this? Write it down, hold tightly to it, and let it be a source of stability in the middle of what may feel like sinking sand today.

Fight the urge to fix. We live in a culture that is obsessed with fixing problems and managing pain. Slogans, commercials and culture shout that all we need to do is fix what is broken. But resist the urge to do that. Because if you move too quickly to solve your problem, you may in fact eliminate yourself from experiencing the actual purpose of why you are even here. Not all brokenness demands our interference. Sometimes the wisest move we can make is to not move at all but allow ourselves to be present in our pain.

Remember that the destination does not shape, change or grow us. The process does. It will always be in the process where we will become more of the person we are longing to be because life is the process. We are easily fixated on this ideal destination we’re aiming to arrive at while all along Emmanuel, God with us, is in the unfolding process of today. So if the unexpected flung you smack dab in the middle of a messy process, it’s okay. You’re likely right where you will change and grow the most.

Intentionally give an offering of thanksgiving and praise to God. This is when we respond despite feelings and press into faith for more than what we see. This is when we say even with what happened, I will thank you for what you are doing and I will believe you for what is coming. I remember just days after Mark lost his job, we found ourselves home the night of his company’s holiday party. We desperately wanted to wallow in the loss by curling up on the couch watching Netflix to pass the hours. But instead we responded contrary to our feelings. We put on worship music, got our faces to the ground, and cried out some guttural prayers. Saying “thank you” in the midst of unexpected loss or uncertainly is a precious offering to God and one that can only be given when we have no idea where or how to move from here.

More to come later this week…


Photo credit: Neo_II


When the Unexpected Interrupts Our Best Plans

January 25, 2016

I remember the night well. It was New Years Eve 2014. The clock had struck midnight and we were back at our apartment with some of our best friends. We each poured our drink of choice and stood on the furniture to usher in the shining new year with declarations of what would be. With glasses raised high and voices loud, we agreed that 2015 would be the year we would see dreams come true. I remember watching Mark as he said, “This year I’m declaring a new job, a better job!”

We all let out a joy-filled “Amen!” and clinked away.

Fast forward to two days later, on January 2, 2015, when I missed a phone call from Mark. I was walking to the elevator of my friend’s building when I listened to his voicemail.

“Hey. Can you please call me back as soon as you can?”

Please. That please struck me as odd, out of place. We don’t really do pleases in voicemails. I rode down the elevator to the first floor wondering what could be up. Walking out of the building and crossing the street to my car, I called him back. I’m pretty sure he picked up before the phone even finished its first ring.

“Hi.” He sounded short, quiet in his response.

“Hey,” I replied. “What’s up? Are you okay?”

“No. I’m not.”

“Okay…what’s going on?” I figured the sooner he told me, the sooner I could fix it.

“Well, I lost my job. I just left.”

My body swelled with emotion. Opening my car door, I’m sure I made one of those totally confused faces as if to say, “I think I misheard you.” But before I could reply asking him to repeat himself he capped it off with, “I’m done. Box packed up and I’ve walked out. It’s effective immediately.”

“Whatttttt?” I trailed off. I was so confused. He had gone to work that morning in an effort to get some extra work done before we got on the road that afternoon for a belated Christmas with his family.

Both of us were totally blindsided and unable to process what in the world was happening.

“Where are you?” I asked.

“I’m just driving now, not sure where to go. I may call some people to see if anyone’s free to meet.”

Good, I thought. Trusted voices to help us navigate this news sounds like what we need. However, no one ended up being available and Mark headed to mass at a local Catholic Church, one of the only places open for visitors on a Friday afternoon.


Today I laugh thinking back to that day, not because it’s funny but because it’s such evidence that our life is scripted by a hand much greater than our own. And the plans God has are so intentional. We never saw that day coming and it took us a long time to come to grips with what had happened.

I also laugh because we had just spent the last five days going through Michael Hyatt’s “Best Year Ever” and Mark losing his job less than 48 hours into our new year was definitely not part of the plan. 2015, our year for a fresh start after a tiring 2014, had taken its first hit before we had ever written the dang number on a piece of paper.

Later that same afternoon I told a friend, “This right here is the irony of faith.” What I meant was that despite the best dreaming and planning, things rarely play out their course the way we’ve plotted. Dreaming is a beautiful practice of awakening our faith and soaring higher than reality would allow. But while dreaming ignites, it does not guarantee.

So often in faith, to reap the greater harvest, the best-year-yet kind of manifestation, the pathway is humility, getting on our knees, letting things die, and finding ourselves more dependent than ever before.

I know that our story is not unique. All the time the unexpected disturbs. Despite best intentions, things do not go as pictured. So the question is, what do we do when God completely interrupts what we’ve carefully planned and hoped for? What’s our response when the answer to our prayers takes us in the exact opposite direction of where we’re trying to head? And how do we deal with disappointment, frustration, and total confusion?

Stick around this week. We’ll talk about how to navigate the unexpected when God interrupts our best plans.


Photo credit: Marcus Spiske


Finding Your Voice Again

January 22, 2016

Mark and I woke up again last night around 2:30 in the morning to the voice of our daughter jabbering away. While hanging out in her little crib next to us, she’s formed this new routine of chatting in the darkness of the night. We often grunt out of exhaustion and the fact that she hasn’t received the memo that it is time to sleep. But there’s also a part of us that smirks with amusement because she is so. dang. cute.

What I love most about it is that our three month old has found her voice. And she’s using it.

It’s amazing to watch her learn to talk in a new way. Those first two months her voice was used for one thing and one thing only – to make sure no one was left unaware that she was in immediate need of milk or a diaper change.

But something changed these last few weeks and she’s found that her voice can also be used to converse. No need for permission from others (or daytime hours) to commence.

As I’ve watched her find her voice and use it for something new, I’ve felt the whisper of God reminding me to find my own voice again. In seasons past I was one to stand on furniture and declare with volume and certainty the great promises of God. I was also one to look often at myself eye-to-eye in the mirror and speak words of identity and life.

But in the last season I allowed my voice to trail away, not purposefully but subtly. As the days drifted by my voice went quiet to those prophetic areas of speaking life.

Maybe yours did too?

When our voices go dormant, it’s easy to spin and swirl by the words of the world around us. We can feel so stuck, exhausted, or plain lost. When we find ourselves there, the best thing we can do is use our voice again to whisper to ourselves who we are, what we are promised, and who we are resting under. Especially when we don’t feel any of it.


Our voice anchors us. When we speak words filled with hope and life, we’re reminding ourselves of what is promised and weighing ourselves down by his truth. Those words ground us.

The opportunity today is that you and I can actually speak words that stir fresh hope and focus into our lives. We can remind ourselves of our confidence, purpose, and passion. That God is not done, he is still working, and we have not missed it. And then we can trust those words, rest into them, and go about our days secure that we are exactly who God says we are.

Fear often keeps us so tense that we hold in the only breath we have, resulting in no life in and no life out. But speaking forces us to exhale. When we release what’s inside, especially over ourselves, we breathe. And by doing so, we remember again that each day we live by inhaling his presence and exhaling his truth.

So it’s Friday. If you find yourself swirling with confusion and doubt, breathe. Begin speaking over yourself what you know to be true, any and all promises you can pull from Scripture. Or if you need help, below are some words to start off today different from others, filled with anticipation for what could be and settled that you are secure as you are. Take a deep breath, forget the swirling lies, and use your voice to speak what is true.

I promise, today will be different because of it.


Friday’s Promises:

He delights over me and loves me.

I have resurrection power living in my bones. There are opportunities today to bring life to myself and others.

He trusts me. And I know him.

God hears my prayers and will answer them. He will not forget.

I am bold, strong, and fully equipped to do what he is asking me to do today.

God knows what he’s promised and he will fulfill. I can rest and journey on the pilgrimage.

Today has purpose and it matters to my story.

His plans are active in my life.

I will taste and see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.


photo credit: Donnie Ray Jones

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